JOHN BARLEYCORN MUST DIE HORRIBLY RIGHT NOW!
Rough Script- created and performed by GOG, Lughnasadh 2005

To the song: "John Barleycorn Must Die" (traditional, one of the oldest songs in English)

CAST: JB- ed , MAN 1- trisha, MAN 2- jenniforensic, MAN 3- norma, SINGER-jeff

PROPS:
MAN 1: DIRT, BUCKET, BIG SCYTHE, BONE, GLASS OF SACK
MAN 2: DIRT, FLOUR, SMALL SCYTHE, PITCHFORK, STONE, CAN OF BUD
MAN 3: DIRT, BEARD, CART, TWINE, STONE, POCKETS THAT CAN PULL OUT, CAN OF BUD
JB: CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

Rough Script:

There were three men come out of the west SINGER LOOKS AROUND, WASTES TIME, STRUMS,
FINALLY 3 MEN COME OUT OF THE WEST
their fortunes for to try
and these three men made a solemn vow: PUT HANDS TOGETHER OVERHEAD
John Barleycorn must die! ALL 3 MEN chime in LOUD: “MUST DIE!!!!!!!!”

They plowed and sowed and they harrowed him in, THEY KNOCK JB DOWN
threw clods upon his head, THEY THROW DIRT ON HIS HEAD
till these three men were satisfied
John Barleycorn was dead. MAN 1 KICKS HIM “HE’S DEAD, JIM”

They let him lie for a very long time MEN 2 & 3 TWIDDLE THUMBS
till the rains from heaven did fall; MAN 1 SPLASH BUCKET
and little Sir John he popped up his head JB LOOKS UP, ANNOYED
and so amazed them all! ALL 3 MEN: “OOOOOO”

They let him stand in the midsummer sun JB GETS UP
till he looked both pale and wan; MAN 2 HITS HIM WITH FLOUR
little Sir John's grown a long, long beard, MAN 3 PULL PONYTAIL TO FRONT
and so became a man. JB LOOKS AT CROTCH

They hired men with sharpened scythes MEN 1 AND 2 GET SCYTHES
to cut him off at the knee; JB DOWN ON KNEES THEN MAN 3
then they bound him and tied him around the waist, TIES AROUND JUMBLED AND LOOSE
treating him most barbarously.

They hired men with sharp pitchforks MAN 2 PICK UP PITCHFORK
to pierce him through the heart. JB SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER
And the carter, he did him far worse than that: MAN 1 KNOCKS HIM INTO CART
for he tied him to a cart. MAN 3TIES HIM UP

They wheeled him around and around the fields 3 MEN WHEEL IN VERY SMALL CIRCLE
till they came unto a barn,
and these three men made a solemn oath... ALL 3 SCREAM “MUST DIE!!!!” REPEATEDLY UNTIL SINGER LOOKS ANNOYED
...on poor John Barleycorn.

They hired men with holly clubs ALL 3 MEN GET CLUBS AND BEAT
to beat him skin from bone... MAN 1 THROWS PLASTIC BONE OUT
and the miller, he served him far worse than that MEN 2 & 3 PLACE STONES ON TOP
for he ground him between two stone.

Oh, Barleycorn is the sweetest grain 3 MEN GO GET CUPS
that ever did grow on land. JB GETS UP
It will do more than any other grain, JB GOES BEHIND 3 MEN
just by the tipping of your hand. 3 MEN DRINK

He will turn a boy into a man MAN 1 PUFFS UP
and a man into an ass. MAN 2 DROPS AND KICKS LEGS (stays down)
Your gold to silver he will turn MAN 3 LOOKS INTO PALM
and your silver into brass. PULLS OUT POCKETS

He'll put the priest to sleep at night, MAN 1 GOES TO SLEEP
raise the nobleman in the morn; MAN 2 GETS UP
lead the soldier to the stocks, JB LEADS MAN 3 TO THE BACK PORCH
where all men may do him scorn. MAN 2 LAUGHS AT MAN 3

He will put sack into the glass MAN 1 HOLDS UP A SACK CONFUSED
and Bud Light in the can. MEN 2 & 3 HOLD UP CANS OF BUD
and He will cause a man to drink THREE MEN DRINK
till he can neither go nor stand. MEN 1 AND 2 TWIRL AND DROP AND STAY THERE, 3 IS STILL STANDING

Little Sir John and the nut brown bowl JB HOLDS UP BOWL
and the lager in the can. MAN 3 HOLDS UP CAN
Little Sir John and his nut brown bowl
has proved the strongest man at last. JB PUFFS UP

The huntsman, he can't hunt the fox, MAN 3 LOOKS AROUND
nor loudly blow his horn.... MAN 3 PUTS THUMB IN MOUTH, BLOWS
JB GOES OVER TO SINGER
and the singer, she can't hold rhythm nor note,
without a little barleycorn...

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PROPS:
MAN 1: DIRT, BUCKET, BIG SCYTHE, BONE, GLASS OF SACK
MAN 2: DIRT, FLOUR, SMALL SCYTHE, PITCHFORK, STONE, CAN OF BUD
MAN 3: DIRT, BEARD, CART, TWINE, STONE, POCKETS THAT CAN PULL OUT, CAN OF BUD
JB: CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

(NO COPYRIGHT, 2005, GO AHEAD AND MESS WITH IT....)